


no dead memes in my lobby

by raindrxpsonrxses



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Group chat, Light Angst, Memes, Not Luther friendly, Social Media, Texting, also i still hate luther so, let five say fuck 2k19, mature rating is bc i dont trust myself lol, no i dont care for canon, plot? in MY crackfic? more likely than u think, the kids actually care about vanya in this au, yes this is a group chat au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2019-11-18 14:52:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18122516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raindrxpsonrxses/pseuds/raindrxpsonrxses
Summary: in which i throw canon and timelines to the wind to let the hargreeve children have a groupchat because you can't stop me





	1. lets go lesbians

_**klaus** has added **diego** , **allison** , **five** , **ben** and **vanya** to the chat_

************ ** ** ** **

_**************klaus************** has renamed the chat to ** ** ** ** ** ** ****lets go lesbians**** ** ** ** ** ** **_

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

 

 ******************five**************** : **no

****************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************vanya****************** :** dont like this

******************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**********************ben******************** :** uhh

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

************************diego********************** :** what

************************ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************************allison************************ :** um

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************klaus************************** :** whats up thots welcome bAck to my youtube channel

**************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************************ben :****************************** klaus

 

****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_********************************klaus******************************** has changed their name to ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ****ouija but with feelings**** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **_

********************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_************************************ouija but with feelings************************************ has changed ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ****diego's************************************** name to_ ****************************************_dora the explorer_****** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_****************************************ouija but with feelings**************************************** has changed ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **allison's**************************************** name to ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **gossip girl xoxo** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **_

_**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

_****************************************ouija but with feelings**************************************** has changed ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **five's**************************************** name to ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **grandpa death child** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **_

_**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

_****************************************ouija but with feelings**************************************** has changed ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **ben's**************************************** name to ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **hentai** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **_

_**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

_****************************************ouija but with feelings**************************************** has changed ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **vanya's**************************************** name to ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **love of my life** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **_

 

_**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

_****************************************grandpa death child**************************************** has left the chat _

_**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

_****************************************ouija but with feelings**************************************** has added ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **grandpa death child**************************************** to the chat _

_**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

 

 ****************************************grandpa death child :**************************************** im going to hurt you im going to hit you with a heavy rock

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************dora the explorer :**************************************** Yo What The Fuck

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************love of my life :**************************************** klaus we're both gay w h a t

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************ouija but with feelings :**************************************** hi im lonely

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************gossip girl xoxo :**************************************** klaus we live in the same house

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************hentai :**************************************** oh my fuckinghj gOd im cryinf w H y

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************************************dora the explorer :**************************************** you broke ben, prepare to die

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** why isnt luther in the chat

 

 **grandpa death child :** this house is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE

 

 

_**ouija but with feelings** has temporarily muted all participants_

 

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** RIGHT SO IF YOU WOULD KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP I WILL EXPLAIN

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** five - do it coward rocks wont stop me

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** vanya - even lesbians cant escape my love babe xxx

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** allison - i am aware whats ur point

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** ben - if u die i die keep that in mind they need no excuse to slaughter me

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** diego - good thing i crave death

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** allison again - HE IS NOT ALLOWED IN THIS CHAT BECAUSE HE WONT FUCKING SHUT UP. HE IS A T O O L AND I DISLIKE HIM HE IS MEAN THANK U VERY MUCH.

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** youre all here today because our communication is utter shit and i, ur resident disaster, have been forced to resort to drastic measures

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** cant believe noone else thought of this wow im a genius

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** sorry my ego cant handle another blow no constructive criticism is to be accepted and luther will not be joining us today amen

 

 

_**ouija but with feelings** has unmuted all participants_

 

 

 **grandpa death child :** klaus this has solved nothing you utter tool

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** luther is part of the team why cant i add him

 

 **dora the explorer :** oh my god this is the worst timeline

 

 **hentai :** look i hate luther too so lets Not

 

 **love of my life :** i mean,, he is kind of horrible to us

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** BEN AND VANYA ARE THE ONLY TWO HERE WHO ARE VALID

 

 

_**gossip girl xoxo** has added  **luther** to the chat_

 

 

 **luther :** What is this?

 

 **ouija but with feelings : *** owo whats this

 

 **grandpa death child :** i - i have to leave what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

 

 **luther :** Don't swear! I am very disappointed in you! Dad would be as well.

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** dont make me regret adding u 

 

 **luther :** Who is everyone? These names are confusing.

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** klaus

 

 **dora the explorer :** diego 

 

 **love of my life :** vanya

 

 **grandpa death child :** five

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** allison

 

 **hentai :** ben

 

 **luther :** What's "hentai"??

 

 **hentai :** i have to go something very important has just cropped up goodbye

 

 

 **_love of my life_ ** _is offline_

 

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** ur typing gives me headaches luther 

 

 **luther :** You're the headache, Klaus!

 

 **hentai :** WATCH IT MONKEY MAN

 

 **dora the explorer :** luther i swear to fucking god so help me i will gut u like a fish SHUT UP

 

 

_**grandpa death child** has kicked  **luther** from the chat_

 

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** five has ranked up as has diego into my favs

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** sorry allison but that was fuckin stupid lol why did u add him

 

 **gossip girl :** idfk mistakes were made 

 

 **hentai :** im this close to kicking his ass lol

 

 **dora the explorer :** right now im leaving only call me if theres a wild luther i need to destroy byebye im carving shit into my walls

 

 **grandpa death child :** emo

 

 

_**everyone** is offline_

 

__


	2. Chapter 2

_**lets go lesbians** _

 

_4:37 am_

 

 _**ouija but with feelings, grandpa death child** _ _+2 others are online_

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** gang i have a small problem

 

 **hentai :** oh not again

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** uhh me and five drank a bottle of dad's liquor

 

 **love of my life :**!!!!

 

 **love of my life :** the whole bottle ?

 

 **grandpa death child :** yes indeedy

 

 **hentai :** fucksake

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** not even enough to get us smashed. disappointing

 

 **grandpa death child :** yeah cause reggies a fucking lightweight

 

 **love of my life :** oop

 

 **hentai :** ☕ ☕ ☕ 😌 😌 😌

 

_** gossip girl xoxo **  is online _

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** KLAUS

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** yikes 

 

 **grandpa death child :** i was never here

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** gotta blast !!

 

 **hentai :** press f to pay respects

 

 **love of my life :** f

 

 **grandpa death child :** f

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** when will you learn that your actions have consequences

 

_**gossip girl xoxo** has added **luther** to the chat_

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** ALLISON

 

 _**gossip girl xoxo** _ _is offline_

 

 **hentai :** IM-

 

**love of my life : ☕**

 

 **luther :** Thanks, Allison!

 

 **grandpa death child :** had it not been for the laws of this land i would have slaughtered you

 

 **luther :** Well, that isn't very nice.

 

 **hentai :** lUther be quiet

 

 **luther :** Ben! Shut up!

 

 _**ouija but with feelings** _ _has muted_ _**luther** _ _for ten minutes_

 

 **love of my life :** praise the lord

 

 **grandpa death child :** amen

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** yeah thats right praise me for i am your lord

 

 **grandpa death child :** klaus shut the fuck up

 

 **hentai :** ehy dont talk to him like that or ill cry

 

 **grandpa death child :** WHERES UR GOD NOW

 

 **love of my life :** pls im begging u to stop 

 

 **grandpa death child :** Then Beg.

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** im fuckinf shaking

 

 **hentai :** five :(

 

 **grandpa death child :** wait no im sorry

 

 **love of my life :** :)

 

 **grandpa death child :** ben and vanya as a duo are Unstoppable

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** preach

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** ANyway why were u all online at this hour

 

 **love of my life :** staring into the mirror and dissociating wbu

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** oh worm

 

 **hentai :** growing pains from these fUCKIng tentacles it hurts

 

 **love of my life :** i can get you a hot water bottle? if u want i mean

 

 **hentai :** VANYA IS ONCE AGAIN THE ONLY VALID MEMBER OF THIS HOUSEHOLD THANK U SWEETIE ILYSM

 

 **love of my life :** :')

 

 **hentai :** :')

 

 **grandpa death child :** i was awake because klaus woke up in the middle of the night n almost broke down my door, holding reggie's alcohol and wearing allison's robe, and all he said was 'lets get absolutely fucked'

 

 **hentai :** and you agreed lets not forget

 

 **grandpa death child :** mama aint raise no pussy

 

 **hentai :** once again, amen

 

 _**luther** _ _'s mute timer has run out!_

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** 👀👀

 

 **hentai :** oop he be typing

 

 **grandpa death child :** he backspaced

 

 **hentai :** ooooo he typing again

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** damn a long message

 

 **hentai :** vanya you are an angel and i love you

 

 **love of my life :** <3 <3

 

 **love of my life :** hes backspacing again ??

 

 **grandpa death child :** nono he typing

 

 **luther :** Bitch.

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** LHFKJHAFJHLAHFLJHFSHAFH

 

_**gossip girl xoxo** is online _

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** have u learnt ur lessons yet

 

 **hentai :** no

 

 **grandpa death child :** snitches get stitches

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** Prepare To Meet Your Maker.

 

 **love of my life :** im-

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** repent for ur sins, bitch.

 

_**gossip girl xoxo** has gained admin privileges_

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** WHT THE FUCKSHDFKS I DIDNT DO THAT

 

_**gossip girl xoxo** has muted all participants for 4 hours!_

 

 

_8:37 am_

 

**_all participants_ ** _are online_

 

 **ouija but with feelings :**  allison makes me fear for my life

 

 **hentai :** i saw god at 4 am and she told me to go to hell

 

 **grandpa death child :** Good thing I have past experiences with slaying gods!

 

_**grandpa death child** is offline_

 

 **hentai :**  five im beg 

 

 

 **luther :** I hate you all.

 

 **dora the explorer :**  What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 

 **ouija but with feelings :** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 

 **love of my life :** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 

 **hentai :** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. 

 

 **gossip girl xoxo :** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 

 **grandpa death child** is online

 

 **grandpa death child :** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 

 **luther :** Oh. Okay.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO sorry for the late, short chapter. this one just kinda sat in my drafts with 3 lines done for months and then i opened it and got really confused. uhh here take this

**_let’s go lesbians_ **

 

_9:37 pm_

 

**_hentai, love of my life_ ** _and **dora the explorer** are online_

 

**_hentai_ ** _has changed **dora the explorer** ’s name to  **bin boy**_

 

**love of my life :**  tea ?

 

**hentai :** hes just a dirty little bitchboy

 

_**gossip girl xoxo** and  **ouija with feelings** are online_

 

 

**love of my life :** fair

 

**bin boy :** I DIDNT FUCKING DO ANYHTINF

 

**gossip girl xoxo :** [image attached shows diego in the bin. he's upside down and only his legs are visible. the second image shows him poking his head out and staring up at the camera in a vaguely ominous way.]

 

**hentai :** 'DIDNT DO ANYTHING' MY ASS

 

**love of my life :** ASHGFSAJLDFHLKSJDAFHKJLDSAH

 

**ouija but with feelings :** [the second image, but it's blurred around the edges and diego's eyes are now glowing red]

 

**bin boy :** IM NOT A LITTLE BIN BOY IM NOT

 

**hentai :** denial is the first stage of grief its ok

 

**gossip girl xoxo :** you are absolutely a little bin boy

 

**bin boy :** NOO I'M NOT!!! IM NOT A BIN BOY NO

 

**ouija but with feelings :** bin boy bin boy bin boy!!!

 

**bin boy :**

 

**love of my life :** sakdjfhdskjfhdskjh okkk lets not bully him too much thats kinda rude

 

**hentai :**...bin boy

 

**bin boy :** [crying emoji x7]

 

_**gossip girl xoxo** has changed  **bin boy** 's name to  **knife crime**_

 

**knife crime :** finally. some fucking respect

 

_**grandpa death child** is online_

 

**grandpa death child :** bin boy

 

**knife crime :** NOOOOOO!!!!!

 

 


End file.
